my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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