Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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