any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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