What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
