the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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