There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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