did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
