The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
