pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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