And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
