I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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