I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
