I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
