Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
