porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Sober January is a disaster.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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