final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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