It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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