mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
