So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
