Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
