my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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