its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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