its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
