I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
