Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
