i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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