Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
