i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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