i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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