when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
