I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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