I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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