Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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