The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
