Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I lost the right to judge tonight
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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