Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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