Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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