"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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