I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
