im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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