We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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