we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
