you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize