i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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