I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
