mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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