RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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