Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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