My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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