I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
