You made me cry and you don't even care
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
