Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
