thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
