My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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