My underwear smells like fireworks.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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