I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
