Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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